THE GREAT MOOSE THIGH BLUBBER BATTLE!

September 25, 2011

“Holy Gargantuan Granny Thighs, Batman! Have you seen Corbin’s Nanny Poppins lately?”

“Yes, unfortunately I have, my extremely skinny sidekick,” answered the Caped Crusader. “And I must say, she seems to be experiencing difficulties with her umbrella. I saw her the other day plummeting to earth after rescuing a cat from a tree. It was not a pretty sight.”

“I know what you mean,” the Boy Wonder replied, shaking his youthful head. “I hear she’s in the market to buy a second magic umbrella, just to get her off the ground.”

“Yes, Robin, gravity seems to be exerting more of a pull on our poor old nanny, these days. A new umbrella may be just the ticket!”

Well, don’t believe everything you hear, faithful readers! Debbie Poppins will not be buying another magic umbrella. They are way too expensive for this collegically impoverished nanny. I am, instead, doing something much less fun, but supposedly more rational and healthy. I am going on a diet once again to shed the blubber that my poor body accumulated during its year long journey into Motherangstvilla.

Please do me a favor and ask me how the blubber blast is going each and every time you see me or otherwise communicate with me. I will need as much guilt and shame heaped upon my head as my friends can dish out to keep me on the healthy side of nutrition. The clarion call of scrumptious chocolate bugles to me like a bull moose bellows to the lady moosies. We’re talking extreme attraction here that must be fought off with really big antlers of self-denial. This granny-to-be aims to be in fine form by the time she takes on the joyous role of granny-yesireebobbette, and she needs to get those battle antlers clanking right now!

A granny with blubbersome thighs and antlers on her head may not be the most picturesque mental picture for you doodleheads out there, but for me, I think it may be working some willpower magic in my soul. It reminds me of a verse that I just this minute looked up in my Bible concordance, because I deeply believe the Bible speaks to every situation if one just takes the time to look for it. I have my own personal paraphrasing in parentheses:

When you sit to dine with a ruler
(or with anyone, anywhere),
note well what is before you
(be on the lookout for chocolate),
and put a knife to your throat
(put on your moose antlers)
if you are given to gluttony
(tend to pig out).
Do not crave his delicacies
(chocolate-covered anythings),
for that food is deceptive
(the devil’s tool to make you FAT)!
—Proverbs 23:1-3

That about says it all on that topic, wouldn’t you agree?

So what else shall we talk about in this fine month of September? How about knitting? Hmmm. I don’t have all that much to say on that subject, other than I am in the process of knitting a baby blanket that is soft and babyish.

How about the daughter who caused all the blubber to congeal upon the granny thighs? She is doing just fine, thank you for asking. In fact, she seems to be having a great time in the big city of Nashville. We will be traveling down to visit her for Parent Weekend as a matter of fact. She wants to show us all of her new hangouts, like the place where she works as a dance assistant, the church she enjoys attending, the cowboy boot shop and other such specialty spots for people with actual money to spend on something other than college, and the Wild Horse Saloon where she goes to line dance (well, she’s been there once.) Yes, her horizons are expanding every which way and that makes every ounce of thigh blubber worthwhile. She also made an A on her first English paper, so hey, I’m a proud mama!

Thank you, Lord, for even working good out of thigh blubber!